Long Road To Healing Pt 2

The chains of guilt had wrapped tightly around me. My mind was filled with negative thoughts. My heart full of anger, bitterness and resentment. Who was I angry and bitter with? Myself. I was angry and bitter with myself. The anger and bitterness had grown in my heart to the point I hated myself. I could not and would not forgive myself for my sister’s death and her dying alone.

I did not cry. I did not mourn for her. I did not grief for her. I refused to let myself feel sorrow or pain. All I could feel was anger, rage, bitterness and resentment. In my mind, this is what I deserved to feel. I did not have the right to mourn and cry for my sister.

I felt bound by the heavy burden of guilt. I did not express what was going on inside of me to anyone. I kept it safely within myself. My husband noticed the change in me. He tried to get me to talk about what was wrong, but I remained silent.  In my mind, there was no one to help me. No one to release me from the chains of guilt.

I turned away from God. I wanted nothing to do with God.  I wanted the anger to grow within me like a cancerous tumor. My mind was telling me, “you deserve this Valerie. It is your fault that your sister died alone. You deserve to have this guilt tormenting you day and night. This is your punishment. This is your sentence”. 
I  made up my mind this is what I would deal with for the rest of my life. I would live with the burden of guilt, bitterness, anger and resentment until my death.  I was in bondage. I was in a deep, dark pit of despair. I did not see a way out. I did not see a light at the end of the tunnel directing me to my route of escape. I was trapped. There was not a way out.
But a voice whispered in my ear and said, “my daughter, there is a way out. There is a way to loosen the chains of guilt which have you bound. There is freedom. Trust me, there is freedom”.

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About valerielynn

Wife, mother and child of God who has learned to live one day at a time by the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ. My road to home (heaven) is full of many bumps, twist and turns. But with Jesus at the wheel, He makes it a lot smoother.
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One Response to Long Road To Healing Pt 2

  1. Child of God says:

    Oh the burden and weight of guilt. I am glad you were still able to hear.Blessings,<><

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