The chains of guilt had wrapped tightly around me. My mind was filled with negative thoughts. My heart full of anger, bitterness and resentment. Who was I angry and bitter with? Myself. I was angry and bitter with myself. The anger and bitterness had grown in my heart to the point I hated myself. I could not and would not forgive myself for my sister’s death and her dying alone.
I did not cry. I did not mourn for her. I did not grief for her. I refused to let myself feel sorrow or pain. All I could feel was anger, rage, bitterness and resentment. In my mind, this is what I deserved to feel. I did not have the right to mourn and cry for my sister.
I felt bound by the heavy burden of guilt. I did not express what was going on inside of me to anyone. I kept it safely within myself. My husband noticed the change in me. He tried to get me to talk about what was wrong, but I remained silent. In my mind, there was no one to help me. No one to release me from the chains of guilt.