A Long Road to Healing Pt 1

I know many of you have been following my blog for quite sometime. You also know about the death of my sister this past June. If not you can click this link and read my post: GUILT.  Her death took a hard toll on my life. From the above picture, you can probably guess what I have been dealing with. Yes, GUILT. I had so much guilt inside that it was eating me alive.

I felt it were my fault that my sister died alone. You see,  my sister suffered from paranoid schizophrenia. She separated herself from everyone who loved her. She thought everyone was her enemy, including her family. She wanted nothing to do with us.

This hurt me to my very soul. I loved my sister so very much. She was the only sister I had, yet I could not have a relationship with her because of her illness. I wanted so many times to talk with her, but she would push me away and say mean and hurtful words to me. I know it was her illness, but nevertheless the hurt was to much for me to bear.

The day she passed, I had not seen her in about a year. I felt this “urge” to go and check on her. I did and all her doors were locked. I knew in my heart something was wrong. I knew in my heart she had died. This was my worse fear coming to life.  My sister died alone. There was no one there for her. I was not there for her.  She had died

ALONE, ALONE, ALONE.

The guilt had set in deeply within my spirit. If only I had tried harder to reach her. If only I had tried harder to get her to let me in the house. If only, if only, if only…………………………………………………………………….
I was now getting angry at myself. It was my fault she died by herself.

HER DEATH WAS MY FAULT!!!!!!

The weight of guilt was weighing heavy upon my heart, mind and spirit. How could I forgive myself for allowing this to happen to my sister? How could I go on living my life knowing that I allowed her to die alone?

How????????????????????????????????

Even though her life was over, God was getting ready to heal mine………………………………………………..

Advertisements

About valerielynn

Wife, mother and child of God who has learned to live one day at a time by the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ. My road to home (heaven) is full of many bumps, twist and turns. But with Jesus at the wheel, He makes it a lot smoother.
This entry was posted in God and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to A Long Road to Healing Pt 1

  1. Child of God says:

    Hi Valerie,I feel your pain and I am aching for you. Praying and hoping God ministers to your heart and soul and healing comes quickly. Continuing to pray for you.<><

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s