Guilt

My sister passed away last week. Her death broke my heart. My sister suffered from a mental illness called paranoid schizophrenia. She stopped taking her medication. She became a recluse. She completely withdrew from all friends and family. She died all alone. No one was there for her.

The last time I spoke to my sister was about a year ago. I went to visit her and I could see in her eyes she was not happy to see me. She told me I was no longer welcomed in her home. She called me the “enemy”. She said she wanted nothing to do with me ever again. My heart was broke, tears swelled in my eyes. Before she slammed the door in my face, I said, “I love you. I will pray for you”. She did say, before she slammed the door, “I love you too now leave and don’t come back”. That is the last time I saw my sister alive. That is the last time I spoke to her.

I tried several times to talk to her. I would knock on her door. I would leave notes but I never got a reply. My sister lived in an apartment with double doors. One door led to the stairs up to the door which went into her apartment. The door to the steps the landlord had a key for, but she had changed the lock on the door which led to her apartment. No one had a key but her.

This past Monday something told me to go to the landlord and ask him to open the door. He did and there on the floor were my notes. I knew in my heart something was wrong. I called my brother. He called the police. The police came, busted the door and found my sister dead. She had been dead for quite sometime.

The guilt had already began to overtake me before this happened. It magnified once we knew she was gone. She died all alone. I blamed myself. It was my fault. Why didn’t I try harder to get her to open her door? Why didn’t all call the police to do a check on her sooner? Why? Why? Why? If only I had done this, she would still be here! If only I had been more persistent! If only, if only, if only!

Lord, please forgive me for not taking care of my sister! Please forgive me for not checking up on her and making sure she was all right!

This is what I am dealing with. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. I know in my heart that God will indeed see me through this. I know that God will lift this guilt off of me. I am standing firm on His word and His promises. I am clinging so tightly to Him. I refuse to let go. I love the Lord and I know I will make it through. I have to take it one day at a time. I have to take it one promise and one scripture from God at a time until I over come this guilt. I know I will be set free. I know I will rise up again. I cling to my hope and trust in the Lord.

Pray for me my friends. I know I have strong, faith believing prayer warriors who read my blog. I know there is power in prayer.

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About valerielynn

Wife, mother and child of God who has learned to live one day at a time by the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ. My road to home (heaven) is full of many bumps, twist and turns. But with Jesus at the wheel, He makes it a lot smoother.
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11 Responses to Guilt

  1. So sorry for your loss and pain. A scripture that has helped me through tough times is Psalms 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit." Keep the faith and God will see you through this.

  2. Child of God says:

    Hi Valerie,I am so sorry for your loss and the tragedy of this whole death and the broken relationship you had with your sister. I will pray for you! This is not your fault, at all. You are not your sisters keeper and you did try to get in contact with her. You were praying for her and that means a lot. The disease she had can be very difficult to work with and if you forced yourself on her she might have really lashed out. Take this to God and cry out to Him to come in an comfort you. Mourn, cry and cry some more, but don't blame yourself. Every person has only a certain number of hours to live on this earth and her hours were up, there is nothing you could have done to change that. Take this time and walk closer with the Lord, He will comfort you…Jeremiah 8:18 18 You who are my Comforter in sorrow, my heart is faint within me.Matthew 5:44 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.2 Corinthians 1:3-53 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.I am praying for you Valerie, maybe you might want to seek some Christian counseling to help you through this time. Maybe your pastor, or maybe your church has a councilor to help people through the mourning process. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know guilt weighs heavy and there is always the 'what if', but when you think like this rebuke it, for this is from Satan. He wants you to blame yourself God doesn't. Look at King David. He was one that should have felt guilty for he committed adultery, then had the Bathsheba's husband killed. After his repenting and paying the price of losing his son, he knew God forgave him and he continued on, with God calling him a man after God's own heart. He knew God, you need to know God and know that He does not nor will ever blame you for your sisters death. God loves you and He knows your heart. If you feel you have done something wrong ask God to forgive you, He will and He will forget it.This is a rough ride but draw closer to God and He will grow you in unspeakable ways and this will bring Glory to Him. Praying and praying,<><

  3. Lori Laws says:

    Dear Valerie, I am so so sorry about your sister's passing. I remember you writing about your estranged relationship last year. I am praying for you. I am praying for those guilty feelings – that God will somehow make it clear that it was NOT YOUR FAULT! Can I show you something in God's Word that will bring you comfort…"All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. " Psalm 139: 16It was all figured out before you came along. I love you. You're a great friend.

  4. Pat says:

    Hello ValerieI to am sorry to hear about your sister and will be standing with you in prayer,you reached out and that's all you could do.You're so right God will bring you through this and he will never leave you,and remember nothing,nothing can ever separate us from the Lord just keep holding on.Love you much

  5. Misty says:

    I am praying for you.. Blessings,Misty

  6. i'm sooo very sorry Valerie.. how sad.. i will be praying for you and i know that God will bring you comfort and peace. Please don't blame yourself.. Even if you had done all those things there's a possiblity it wouldn't of made any difference or maybe even caused more problems.. But it's best to not think on the what ifs so much but "who" God is and how he can heal every broken heart and bind up wounds and bring peace into every situation no matter what it seems..Love you sisTammy 🙂

  7. sarah says:

    oh Val. I'm sooo soo sorry. I don't even know what to say except my heart is so much with you. I remember being in confined in the hospital with some pretty ill people…people who once scared me but I came to understand fought demons beyond their control. Hugs to you Valerie…..Nikki

  8. sarah says:

    Valerie…you will always have a special place in my heart….your spirit…gentle and sweet make a difference in my world since I first met you here in blogland. Stay strong okay…I'm praying for you too…tons of hugs to you….;

  9. Precious Valerie, praying God's blessings and comfort for you. I hope you have come to realize that you don't need to feel guilty, that it wasn't your fault. God is in control, and remember that your sister didn't die alone, God was with her, and she will not suffer any more. May God bless you and heal your suffering and sorrow, filling you with love and peace.

  10. Yvette says:

    Hi Valerie,Just catching up on my e-mails since we were away for a few weeks.I will be praying for you, especially for the Lord to take away the pain you are feeling. Know that what has happened is not your fault. You did reach out to you sister, she turned you away. Satan is great at putting guilt and condemnation on people, but don't allow it. Your friends are holding up your arms in this difficult time.Love you

  11. Oh Valerie, I am so, so sorry. I hadn't been reading any blogs for a while, and just saw this now. That is so sad and tragic, but anything that is now making you feel guilty is a lie from the pit of hell. It sounds like you tried to love your sister as best you could and be there for her, but she wouldn't let you, and I'm sure you prayed for her too. I am praying for you that the Lord would hold you close and comfort you as only He can do, and that He would heal the pain in your heart and replace it with His peace that surpasses understanding.

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