My sister passed away last week. Her death broke my heart. My sister suffered from a mental illness called paranoid schizophrenia. She stopped taking her medication. She became a recluse. She completely withdrew from all friends and family. She died all alone. No one was there for her.
The last time I spoke to my sister was about a year ago. I went to visit her and I could see in her eyes she was not happy to see me. She told me I was no longer welcomed in her home. She called me the “enemy”. She said she wanted nothing to do with me ever again. My heart was broke, tears swelled in my eyes. Before she slammed the door in my face, I said, “I love you. I will pray for you”. She did say, before she slammed the door, “I love you too now leave and don’t come back”. That is the last time I saw my sister alive. That is the last time I spoke to her.
I tried several times to talk to her. I would knock on her door. I would leave notes but I never got a reply. My sister lived in an apartment with double doors. One door led to the stairs up to the door which went into her apartment. The door to the steps the landlord had a key for, but she had changed the lock on the door which led to her apartment. No one had a key but her.
This past Monday something told me to go to the landlord and ask him to open the door. He did and there on the floor were my notes. I knew in my heart something was wrong. I called my brother. He called the police. The police came, busted the door and found my sister dead. She had been dead for quite sometime.
The guilt had already began to overtake me before this happened. It magnified once we knew she was gone. She died all alone. I blamed myself. It was my fault. Why didn’t I try harder to get her to open her door? Why didn’t all call the police to do a check on her sooner? Why? Why? Why? If only I had done this, she would still be here! If only I had been more persistent! If only, if only, if only!
Lord, please forgive me for not taking care of my sister! Please forgive me for not checking up on her and making sure she was all right!
This is what I am dealing with. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. I know in my heart that God will indeed see me through this. I know that God will lift this guilt off of me. I am standing firm on His word and His promises. I am clinging so tightly to Him. I refuse to let go. I love the Lord and I know I will make it through. I have to take it one day at a time. I have to take it one promise and one scripture from God at a time until I over come this guilt. I know I will be set free. I know I will rise up again. I cling to my hope and trust in the Lord.
Pray for me my friends. I know I have strong, faith believing prayer warriors who read my blog. I know there is power in prayer.